Treehouse of Horror XII/Quotes
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"Treehouse of Horror XII"
 Hex and the City
- Gypsy: [reading Marge's fortune] "I sense you live with much misery."
- [Homer bursts in, chuckling and carrying a balloon that says "Birthday Boy."]
- Homer: "The perfect crime. [suddenly serious] Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday."
- Gypsy: "I sense I should not take ... a check!" [glares at Homer]
- Marge: "That gypsy said horrible things will happen to everyone you love. That could mean your family, Homer."
- Homer: [flirtaciously] "Are you coming on to me?"
- Marge: [annoyed, disgusted] "No! Good night! Sheesh!" [turns lights off]
- [At the bar, Moe suggests that Homer use a Leprechaun to get rid of the Gypsy's curse.]
- Carl: "You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a Leprechaun cured that right up."
- Lenny: "Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six Leprechauns."
- Carl: "Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with a Leprechaun."
- [The Leprechaun and the Gypsy have just got married. Marge and Homer are at the wedding.]
- Marge: "The best thing about a Gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here."
- Homer: "Yep. Everything worked out for the best."
- Marge: "What?! Bart is dead!"
- Homer: "Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back."
- Marge: "The Gypsy said it would."
- Homer: [stubbornly] "She's not the boss of me."
 House of Whacks
- [The Ultrahouse has just served the Simpsons dinner.]
- Homer: "Mmmm ... various eggs."
- Lisa: "Soy-ghetti-Os!"
- Bart: "Hey, Pierce, how'd you know our favorite foods?"
- Ultrahouse [Pierce Brosnan voice]: "I analyzed your ... um ... leavings."
- [The Simpsons are impressed. They eat dinner.]
- Marge: "Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes?"
- Ultrahouse: "Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?"
- [Marge giggles.]
- Ultrahouse: "No, I'm asking."
- Marge: "Oh ... uh ... Not a very good one?"
- Ultrahouse: "Damn straight."
- [In the bathroom, water is running in the bathtub. Marge starts to take off her bathrobe to get into the tub.]
- Ultrahouse: "Hello, Marge."
- Marge: [closing her robe and gasping] "Oh, my!"
- Ultrahouse: "Come, Marge. You don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips."
- Marge: "Heh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget." [chuckles nervously, takes off robe, gets into tub]
- [The Ultrahouse's camera lens zooms in on Marge as she settles into the tub.]
- Ultrahouse: [quietly] "Ooooh, yes." [The Ultrahouse lights the candles around the tub.]
- Marge: "Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect!"
- Ultrahouse: "Isn't it just. It gets better."
- Marge: "Oh, you don't have to do any- [The bubbles turn on in the tub.] Oooohhhh. Oh, oh, Pierce ... that's goooood ... mmmmmm ..."
- Ultrahouse: "Oh, oh, dear me. [clears fogged-up camera lens with a tiny windshield wiper] Oh, yes. Yum-yum-yum."
- [The next morning, the Ultrahouse opens the blinds in the bedroom, awakening Marge.]
- Ultrahouse: "Good morning, Marge."
- Marge: [yawns] "Good morning, Pierce. [notices that Homer is gone] Where's Homer?"
- Ultrahouse: "Uhhhhh, I think he went to work early."
- Marge: "That sounds like a lie."
- [Marge glances at a family photo and gasps as she notices that Homer has been replaced by one of the Ultrahouse's camera lenses. She picks up the phone and dials.]
- Marge: [quietly] "Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband!"
- Ultrahouse: [on the phone] "This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath."
- [The Simpsons run to the basement to disable the Ultrahouse's central processor. Homer grabs an axe and starts swinging wildly.]
- Homer: "Die, you monster!" [keeps swinging]
- Lisa: "Dad! That's the water softener!"
- Homer: [sarcastically] "Well, I am missing the back of my head! I think you could cut me some slack?"
 Wiz Kids
- [At Springwart's School of Magicry ...]
- Mrs. Krabappel: "Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with some basic toad-to-prince spells. Everybody get out their toads."
- [The class complies, and Mrs. Krabappel goes to Milhouse's desk.]
- Milhouse: [waving wand over toad] "Slimy Prince Limey!" [His toad turns into a drunken, loutish man in Elizabethan-era attire.]
- Drunken Prince: [to Mrs. Krabappel] "Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss, then." [puckers up]
- Mrs. Krabappel: [scoffing] "You call that charming?" [She moves on to Lisa.]
- Lisa: [waving wand] "Hocus-croakus!" [Her toad turns into a handsome young man in a suit with a Union-Jack vest.]
- Mrs. Krabappel: "Oh, excellent, Lisa. A-plus. [aside to Lisa's prince] And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast." [She giggles.]
- Handsome Prince: [gulping and chuckling nervously] "Yes, rather."
- [Mrs. Krabappel moves on to Bart's desk.]
- Mrs. Krabappel: "Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night, or [sarcastically] did your fairy godmother die again?"
- Bart: "I studied! [waves wand hesitantly] Abra-ca ... turn into a prince guy?" [His toad turns into a hideous toad-prince creature that constantly vomits.]
- Mrs. Krabappel: "Sloppy work as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level; you've sinned against nature."
- Toad-Prince Creature: "Please kill me."
- [In his lair, Lord Montymort spies on the classroom.]
- Montymort: "Look at that Lisa Simpson. She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks. Oh, Slithers!" [Slithers enters.]
- Slithers: "Yes, Lord Montymort?"
- Montymort: "Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence. I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo."
- [Annoyed, Montymort puts on a helmet and gestures at the wall. Shackled to the wall is Ralph Wiggum, who is wearing a helmet identical to Montymort's and connected to it by a tube. Lumps of something are moving along the tube from Ralph's head to Montymort's.]
- Ralph: [laughing] "Dying tickles!"
- [At the magical recital, Milhouse's attempt at the Invisibility Cloak has just gone severely awry, leaving him standing on stage naked. He runs offstage, crying.]
- Principal Skinner: [murmuring] "That was terrible. [louder, to the audience] I'll just sprinkle you all with some Amnesia Dust!"
- [Skinner sprinkles the dust over the audience and they applaud. Skinner moves on to introducing the next student.]
- Skinner: "A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people!"
- Audience: "Eeeeeewwwwwww!!"
- [Skinner sprinkles Amnesia Dust over the audience again, and they laugh.]