The Falcon and the D'ohman/Transcript
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Comic Book Guy: Good evening. Tonight we reveal to you the fate of Nedna. I have devoted my summer to a more meaningful task - savaging Mr. Popper's Penguins online. Anyway, the answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode, like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crints. Enjoy.
Homer Simpson: [gasp]
Homer: What the..?
Homer: Aha! [gets out of the car] ♫ Quiet steps are what I take, sneaking in at noon. ♫
Homer: ♫ Just in time for my lunch break, got my fork and spoon. [takes a sip, then throws the fork and spoon away] Hide the cameras just right, duck in the bathroom. ♫ [walks in to the bathroom]
Barney Gumble: [voice] Hi, Homer.
Homer: ♫ I'm still drunk from last night, got driven home, I don't know by who. Some, may say ♫
Homer: ♫ I don't deserve any pay, but hey, I came up with '60s Day ♫
Homer: ♫ last May. ♫
Homer: [laughs] While I'm here, I might as well pre-punch out.
Homer: Hmm, we've had a lot of bills lately, better put in some overtime.
Homer: Larry, my man! [holds his hand up to fist bump] Hey, you're not Larry. How come you're not Larry?
Security guard: I wouldn't know, sir.
Homer: Uh, listen, if you could indulge me, Larry and I fist bump every morning. [fist bumps his own fists] Like that. The warmth of human contact, with a manly whiff of violence. Heh?
Security guard: Not interested.
Homer: Wha?!! [walks away] Sheesh.
Carl Carlson: Hey, what's with that new security guard? He's acting all aloof. Uh, by the way, that's my word of the day, "he's".
Homer: Maybe I was a little hard on him, expecting him to be Larry right away. By the way, where is Larry?
Lenny Leonard: Crazy house.
Carl Carlson: Violent ward.
Homer: Good, old Larry. [walks over to the security guard] Hey, Wayne! I couldn't notice that your breath doesn't smell like alcohol. Wanna go grab a beer after work?
Wayne Slater: I prefer to not have social interaction with co-workers. It, um, hasn't worked out for me in the past.
Homer: Well, maybe he just doesn't like fist-bumping.
SendEx employee: Hey, Wayne. [fist-bumps Wayne]
Homer: As God as my witness, this fist will be bumped.
SendEx employee: Put that fool thing down.
Voiceover: We now return to Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition.
Tom Colicchio: Marge, your ratio of peanut butter and cracker was spot on. And I love the addition of sliced apple. This was a great plate of food.
Marge Simpson: Thank you. This is my third favorite reality cooking show.
Tom Colicchio: For your prize, you have won a brand new kitchen, which I will now become.
Tom Colicchio: I miss my soul patch.
Marge: Kids, enjoy your extreme snack.
Bart Simpson: Wait, this tastes different.
Marge: I put a slice of apple in it.
Lisa Simpson: You know I hate surprises!
Bart: You tricked us!
Lisa: I like routine, I like routine!
Marge: Did you have a hard day too?
Homer: Well, a guy at work seems not to like me. I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world, like major league umpires not using instant replay.
Marge: It's big to you. Would you like a "get well" pork chop? [gets a plate of food from the fridge]
Homer: I love you so much potatoes and gravy on the side, please.
Homer: Charlie, wanna grab a beer?
Charlie: Nah, I was tipsy last night when a telephone survey called, so I told them to call back tonight for more accurate answers.
Homer: Oh, okay.
Homer: [gasp] Wayne!
Homer: Want a ride?
Wayne: I can walk.
Wayne: Alright, Homer, you win.
Homer: Shnoh, just got a little chill when you said my name.
Wayne: [under his breath] Every time I go to I run in to some guy just like this.
Homer: Look, I'm not weird or anything, I just like to feel like I'm friends with everybody.
Wayne: [sigh] Homer, you're a nice guy. I'll have one beer with you. After that, we will have a courteous, professional relationship, and that's it. No Secret Santa, we're not trading lunches,
Wayne: and I don't want you calling me at home and saying "turn on channel 6".
Homer: But what if the weather girl--
Wayne: I don't care.
Lenny: Wow, I can't believe Homer bagged the tiger!
Wayne: Excuse me, I need to use the--
Homer: Men's room. [gasp] Oh my god, we're completing each other's... [makes a hand gesture] completing each others's... sen..ten..ces.
Snake Jailbird: Totally surprising entrance.
Snake: Hand over your cash and jewellery, pronto.
Moe Szyslak: OK, now, don't want no trouble. Just get my cash out of my cash draw here. Just, uh, lining up all the presidents.
Moe: Nice and neat. Ain't tryin'-a be no hero. Heh heh.
Moe: [nervously laughs] Ah, here you go. [hands Snake the gun]
Snake: Thanks for the upgrade. [points it at the others] Ha ha!
Wayne: Stand back, Homer. I know what I'm doing.
Lenny: Well, we all know what we're doing, the question is, is it an appropriate reaction to the situation?
Snake: [stands up] Eh, drunks are so boring.
Moe: Ah, my fresco!
Moe: [points at Snake] That's comin' outta your stealing.
Homer: Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.
Wayne: I'm just a guy who saw what needed to be done, and did it.
Moe: Ooh, speakin' of which, let's get these eggs back in the jar.
Moe: Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.
Wayne: It's great to have a home-cooked meal.
Marge: Well if anyone save's my Homie's life, they get a free meal. Which, actually, comes up about once a week.
Bart Simpson: So, Wayne, how'd you learn all those cool self-defense moves?
Wayne: I had training. Special training. The kind they're not allowed to give anymore.
Wayne: Sorry, I have to go.
Homer: Oh, come on, stay for dessert.
Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson, do you want to hear about the big change in my life?
Homer: Sure, why not?
Flanders: I started drinking orange juice with pulp! I asked the Reverend and he said it was OK. Then he hung right up on me. That man is cranky at 3 in the morning. [walks off]
Kent Brockman: And here he is! This week's Noble Nobody.
Wayne: What the [beep]
Kent Brockman: A quiet, unassuming security guard who foiled a robbery, at the local tavern, seen in this Taiwanese animated dramatization.
Wayne: Please, sir, just let me do my job.
Mr. Burns: Pish tosh. Wayne, as a reward for your valiant fistecovery, I hereby award you the Springfield Nuclear Plant Silver Safety Hat.
Man: Thanks to you, Wayne, we did not lose the visible half a balloon.
Wayne: Just doing my job, sir.
Man: All too well. I'm afraid that protocol demands that I totally erase your memory.
Wayne: Die, you fascist bastard!
Mr. Burns: Mother, is that you?
Homer: Wayne, stop! That's Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: I expect insolence, but rank insolence? Off with his job!
Wayne: [sigh] Damn it.
Homer: Why don't you come stay with us until you can get back on your feet?
Wayne: Really? Are you sure?
Homer: Of course. I mean, how long could it be?
Wayne: I don't know. I've got no job, no references. Can't afford an apartment.
Homer: It's best to concentrate on what you do have.
Wayne: I have reoccurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past.
Homer: That's funny, because I have reoccurring flashforwards to a nightmarish future.
Citizens: Unfair! Unfair!
Homer: That robot took our jobs.
Homer: Heh, he said it.
Homer: Or, uh, maybe it was him.
Homer: Man, this robot really gets me.
Wayne: My nightmares are real.
Homer: Your voice is so gravelly. Just like Lauren Buchwald's.
Wayne: If you don't listen to me, senator, there's not going to be a 4th of July.
Wayne: Don't you get it? He used the governor's eyeball for the retinal scan. That's ten members of the electoral college dead in one day!
Wayne: If you don't give me those lost codes, you'll never be able to make the OK sign again.
Wayne: I know the map is inside your eyelids, and I will turn them inside out if I have to!
Wayne: If you move that little top hat to St. James Place, we'll all be blown to kingdom come!
Wayne: Bring me every fish in that aquarium. One of them, is lying.
Wayne: I'm sorry, I have so many nightmares. I've done unspeakable things, from Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
Marge: Well what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito-Lay distribution center?
Wayne: I needed somewhere to lie low. Your town appears on no maps or charts.
Homer: Yeah, they couldn't find a Google Map photo without me naked or urinating.
Marge: And when there was a map-makers' convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Homer: Not the one you're thinking of, there's another one.
Wayne: So, Lisa, if you press on Bart's elbow here, [places Lisa's hand on Bart's elbow and Bart makes a noise] he'll tell you anything you want to know.
Bart: I admit it, I let Milhouse lie down in your bed.
Marge: Kids, can I talk to Wayne alone a minute?
Bart: [to Maggie] Remember everything they say, and tell us later in rattle code. [Maggie shakes her rattle] What do you mean "no"?
Marge: I don't know if you should teach our children advanced interrogation techniques.
Wayne: I'm sorry, Marge, sometimes I forget where I am.
Marge: Apology accepted. Now, could you teach me a couple little driving tricks?
Marge: [laughs] We'll see who gets their pick of pizza pockets.
Dolph Starbeam: Give us your lunch money.
Jimbo Jones: What gives, man? Where'd you learn that stuff?
Bart: If I told you, I'd have to kill you...can I tell ya?
Jimbo: No! I won't listen! [puts mash potato in his ears and runs off]
Lunchlady Doris: :[to Superintendent Chalmers] We can't keep serving the same thing every day. These kids have mash potato coming out of their ears.
Superintendent Chalmers: Point taken.
Wayne: Oh my God, that song!
Wayne: I can't live in the real world anymore.
Grampa Simpson: This is the real world? Hallelujah, I'm still alive! [laughs] And I'll appreciate every moment, except the ones that aren't as good as they used to be, which is all of them. Oh, someone kill me.
Victor: Uh, junk, junk, Beyoncé confirms she will play at my daughter's sweet 16 party, humorous MyTube. My brother, my ugly, funny, best.
Victor's brother: Eh. Sometimes they are good for giggle.
Victor: Auto-tune disaster victim.
Lady in video: Hiding in the basement. Hiding in the basement, and I'm like "where's the cat?", "w-where's the cat?".
Victor: [grumble] Crazy man attacks boss.
Victor: [gasp] It's him. American agent who caused the death of everyone I loved.
Victor's brother: You want to give it 0 stars?
Victor: No! We will go to [reads off the screen] Springfield, America and kill this man. But first [plays the previous video]
Lady in video: Here, kitty kitty kitty. Here, kitty kitty kitty. Oh, you're an angel now.
Homer: ♫ Washing out the dog poo, sure beats pickin' it up. Flanders' driveway is my goal.
Victor: I am looking for a man named Wayne.
Homer: Oh, he's gone, I don't know where he went.
Victor: Are you..friend of his?
Homer: He has no friends...
Homer: ...except me!
Victor: Aye, so you're tight like borscht beets. Tell me, if we kidnapped a friend of Wayne's, would he attempt to rescue that friend?
Homer: Well, I suppose if the friend was being horribly tortured.
Homer: No! Not the middle seat!
Kent Brockman: This just in, a local man has been kidnapped by Ukrainian gangsters. We've received the following video.
Homer: Death to America!
Victor: [off-screen] Stick to script.
Homer: [on the TV] I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area. [gestures] Turn the card.
Victor: [off-screen] Hold up today's newspaper.
Homer: What will you guys use when there aren't newspapers anymore?
Victor: [off-screen] Perhaps we'd be living in a world where there'd be no need to kidnap.
Homer: Oh, well, way to make me feel obsolete. [looks at newspaper, laughs] Look, here's the coupon for scissors, that you have to cut out. Thanks, geniuses.
Victor: [off-screen] Shut up!
Homer: [voice] Hey hey, what are you doing?
Homer: This is no way to treat the talent!
Victor: [voice] Shut up!
Wayne: Oh, God. I know that voice.
Victor: Darling. I told you to stay in your room.
Woman: I told you the bedspread smells funny.
Victor: [in slow-motion] Nooooo!
Wayne: Marge, I'll get your husband back.
Marge: How are you going to find him?
Wayne: Homer is implanted with several highly powerful tracking chips.
Marge: How did that happen?
Wayne: I left them out in a bowl and he ate them.
Wayne: I'd take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn't have a job to do.
Wayne: Get out of here!
The Grumple: Ow! Ow! I won a silver medal in Agano, and now this!
Homer: Oh, cold. So cold.
Victor: So, Wayne, once again you crash my party.
Homer: Oh, cold. Warm me up.
Victor: Stop it!
Homer: Just let me put my hands under your armpits.
Homer: So much violence on the surface world. I'm going back.
Homer: [gargled] Cold, so cold.
Wayne: Now you can see why I can't stay in one place. Not here, not anywhere.
Marge: How about living on a train that's always moving?
Wayne: Ever get on a train, Marge? What they call a steak is barely a hamburger. Now, Homer, there's one more thing before I go.
Homer: Aw, that's what I call closure.
Wayne: Yes, Maggie, we will have a use for you soon. [whispers] Stay close to your Busybox.
Marge: Wait, I know a place you can go. A place where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.
Wayne: Sir, this is the wrong form.
Sideshow Mel: Can you hold my space while I go get the right one?
Wayne: Nobody held my space while I was in a North Korean prison being forced to write a musical about Kim Jong-il with a car battery hooked up to my nipple.
Sideshow Mel: Oh!
Kim-Jon il: Pardon me, sir, can you tell me where palace is?
Man: What business do you have at the palace?
Kim Jong-il: Why, some day I'm going to be dear leader.
Man: [laughs] You? You're too benevorent to be dear leader!
Kim Jong-il: Let's see what they think.
Choir: K is for Korea, just the north part, I is for the internet he bans, M is for the millions that are missing, J is for our human-tasting jam, O is for "oh boy, we love our leader" [cut to only the real Kim Jong-il sitting in the audience] N is for the best Korea: North. G is for "gee whiz, we love our leader".