"The Falcon and the D'ohman"
- "I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area. Turn the card."
- ―Homer Simpson
|"The Falcon and the D'ohman"
"The Falcon and the D'ohman" is the first episode of season 23. It originally aired on September 25, 2011. Kiefer Sutherland guest stars as Wayne Slater and Tom Colicchio as himself.
Homer makes friends with a new security guard at the power plant, but it is revealed he has a hidden past. Meanwhile, Marge daydreams that she has become a contestant on a cooking show called Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition. Also, the result of Nedna is revealed.
Comic Book Guy starts the episode by telling the viewers about his summer and there will be hints in the episode as to the result of Nedna. After the opening sequence, Homer sings a song about arriving at work. He goes to greet his friend Larry, but discovers he has been replaced by a new employee, Wayne Slater. Homer asks if we can fist bump him, but Wayne rejects. He then asks if he can grab a beer with Wayne after work, but he says he prefers not to have social interactions with co-workers.
Meanwhile, Marge is daydreaming about being on a TV show called Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition. On the show, Marge is a contestant and Tom Colicchio judges her meal. He enjoys it, and says she has won the show. Her prize is a brand new kitchen, which Tom transforms in to. Back in reality, Marge gives Bart and Lisa snacks identical to the one she made on the show. The kids taste it, but they dislike it saying they like routine and not surprises. Homer comes into the room, and tells Marge about Wayne. Marge gives him a get-well pork chop to cheer him up.
The whistle blows for the end of work, and Homer walks out in the rain. He asks Charlie if he would like to have a beer with him. Charlie says he has to answer some questions for a phone survey, so Homer drives to Moe's on his own. While driving, he spots Wayne walking in the rain gloomily. Homer asks him if he wants a ride, but Wayne says he can walk. It then starts hailing, and the sidewalk is closed, so Wayne gives in and gets in Homer's car.
At Moe's, Wayne goes to the men's room, when Snake bursts in on his motorbike and holds up the tavern. Wayne comes out of the bathroom, and notices Snake. He leaps into the air and kicks Snake in the head. After a few seconds, Snake gets up ready to fire his gun. Wayne comes up from behind and pulls a pool triangle over his body. His bullet hits the ceiling, ruining Moe's fresco. Finally, Wayne places Moe's egg jar on his head, and smashes it with a chair. As the group pick up Moe's eggs, Wayne spies Snake coming up to him from behind in the reflection of one of the eggs. He throws the egg behind him, landing in Snake's mouth. Moe retrieves the egg, saying that is the farthest one of his eggs ever made it down someone's throat.
At the Simpson's house, Wayne is having dinner with the Simpson family. Marge says it is because anyone who says Homer's life gets to have dinner with them (which happens about once a week). When Bart asks how he knows so many self-defense moves, Wayne says it is because he had special training. Then, a flashback starts. In the flashback, Wayne is in the center of a room with doors all around it. Two doors open, and a ninja comes out of each one. Wayne kicks one, and punches the other. A sumo wrestler enters the room and runs towards him, so Wayne lifts him up and throws him behind himself. Another person runs towards Wayne, but he picks him up and throws him into the air. Gogo Yubari attacks him with a large meteor hammer, which he kicks right back at her, causing the chain to wrap around her neck and choke her. A tank comes along, but Wayne sticks his hand in the turret, causing the tank to makes itself explode. Lugash enters, but Wayne rips off his clothes, causing him to scuttle away, embarrassed. Chucky leaps into the air with a knife. Wayne pushes him to the ground. Pinhead comes out of one of the doors. Wayne kicks him in the stomach repeatedly. Kobe Bryant prepares to hit Wayne with a basketball, but he punches him causing Bryant to lose some teeth and he knocked out. The Penguin comes out of one of the doors with two henchman, and points his umbrella at Wayne. Wayne grabs the umbrella, and sprays the trio with gas that knocks them out. Three people with clubs come running at him, but Wayne uses the umbrella again. Then, a polar bear attacks Wayne and the falshback ends.
Wayne starts to walk out the room, but Homer wants him to stay for dessert. He squeezes Wayne in the same manner that the polar bear did, and Wayne has the same reaction. Wayne runs out the house. Ned arrives at the window asking if the family that he has started drinking orange juice with pulp, as the reverend had said it was okay.
Back at the power plant the next morning, Wayne arrives for work. Cameras and microphones flash in his faces. Kent Brockman arrives reporting for the news. He tells the viewers about Wayne's heroic actions, shown in a Tawainese animated dramatization. In the animation, Wayne in punching Snake while the barflies watch. Moe takes back his eggs "for later consumption". The subtible says "The barflies drank too much", as Barney throws up loads of beer. Bart comes to get Homer, and they drive home bumping into things. When the dramatization ends, Mr. Burns awards Wayne the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant silver safety hat. A horse-driven carriage comes along, and Smithers opens it. A monkey riding on a minute carriage with the silver safety hat on the back comes out, and Mr. Burns picks up the hat. Burns moves towards Wayne with the hat in his hand, and a flashback starts.
Wayne's boss is congratulating Wayne as they did not lose the visible half of the moon. Wayne says he was just doing his job, and his boss replies he did it too well and the protocol demands they erase his memory. The boss's henchmen grab Wayne as the boss takes out a hat stating "erase" on the top. Wayne attacks the two henchmen, and grabs the hat. He puts it on his boss's head and presses the "erase" button. In the present, Wayne is pressing the hat firmly on Mr. Burns' head as Lenny and Carl are on the floor (presumably they were who Wayne imagined as the henchmen). Wayne starts strangling Mr. Burns, but Homer stops him. Two security guards take Wayne, and, after a prompt from Homer, two security guard help Mr. Burns up. When Mr. Burns is back on his feet, he fires Wayne.
As Wayne is packing his bag, Homer suggests he stays at their house until he can get back on his feet, as it should be too long. Wayne tells him he has no job or references, so Homer says it's best to concentrate on what you do have. Wayne says he has reacurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past, and Homer says he has reacurring flashfowards to a nightmarish future. He then "flashfowards" to a scene where a robot is on a pile of skulls. A group called "Skull Crushers Local 521" are chanting "unfair, unfair!" Homer angrily exclaims that the robot had taken their jobs. The robot faces the gang, his eyes glowing bright red. Homer quickly points to Lenny saying he made the remark, and the robot disintergrates Lenny. Homer then points to Carl saying "maybe it was him." As the flashfoward ends, Wayne says that his nightmares are real.
Wayne is asleep in Bart's treehouse and is yelling about one of his past events. He is disturbing many couples, including Ned and Edna. The next morning, he apologizes. He says he has done unspeakable things, so Marge asks what brought him to Springfield. He says it was because Springfield appears on no maps. Homer tells him it is because they couldn't find a Google Maps photo without him naked or urinating. Marge adds that when there was a map-makers convention in the town, they all got Lou Gehrig's disease (though a different type from the normal one).
In the living room, Wayne is teaching Lisa some self-defense moves. Marge comes in with Maggie asking to talk with Wayne alone for a minute. Bart tells Maggie to remember everything they say and tell them later in rattle code, but in rattle code Maggie says "no". As the children leave, Marge says that she doesn't think he should be teaching the kids advanced interrogation techniques. Wayne apologizes, and Marge asks he could teach her a few driving tricks. At the Springfield Mall, Manjula reverses out of a parking space, and signals to Helen Lovejoy. Marge comes up from behind, and drives over Helen's car to get into the spot first. Wayne stares at Marge worriedly.
At Springfield Elementary School, Bart is getting lunch when Dolph grabs Bart telling him to give him his lunch money. Bart attacks Dolph and Kearney, and Jimbo asks where he learnt those moves. Bart informs him that if he told him, he'd have to kill him. Bart asks if he can tell him, but Jimbo stuffs mash potato in his ears and runs off.
At home, Lisa is playing Dance of the Knights on her saxophone, while Grampa is sitting next to her. Wayne hears the song, and has another flashback. An orchestra is playing the same tune, when a shooting party starts. Wayne is in the battle. The flashback ends.
In Kiev, Ukraine, a mob boss named Victor is on his computer checking his e-mails. He finds a link to a MyTube video called "Auto-tune disaster victim". He watches half the video, and then sees a video of Wayne attacking Mr. Burns. He notices Wayne and becomes angry as he had caused the death of everyone he loved. His assistant suggest he gives it 0 stars, but instead he says they are going to Springfield to kill Wayne, after they finish watching the auto-tune disaster victim video.
Back in Springfield, Homer is singing Washing Out the Dog Poo while holding a hose when Victor arrives in his car. He opens the window and says he is looking for a man named Wayne. Homer says he's gone, so Victor asks if he is Wayne's friend. Homer sternly replies that Wayne has no friends, so the car drives off. Just then, Homer yells "Except me!" The car quickly reverses, and Victor asks him if they kindapped a friend of Wayne's if he would attempt to rescue them. Homer supposes he would if the friend was being horribly tortured, so Victor's assistant and another man grab Homer and get him in the car. The car drives off as the hose is left running.
On Channel 6 News, Brockman reports that a local man has been kidnapped by Ukrainian gangsters. A video is shown of Homer sitting tied up on a chair.
Several videos leaked across the internet featuring scenes from this episode in the month and the month before its premiere. In August, FoxBroadcasting on YouTube released a short promo about Homer's storyline, in which we learn Kiefer Sutherland's character, Wayne Slater. Entertainment Weekly released two videos, one with the robbery at Moe's Tavern, and the other with Comic Book Guy opening the episode with a prologue, telling viewers about his summer and having the new season premiere on his computer.
The episode gathered 7.91 million households viewers in its slot on Fox, and was the highest-rated season premiere that night.
 Promotional images
Marge fantasizes about being a contestant on Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition hosted by Tom Colicchio (guest voicing as himself).