- [After Lisa sets up his computer, Homer takes it for a spin on the Internet and visits the Springfield Police Department home page. An image of Chief Wiggum's face appears on the screen.]
- Wiggum: [on-screen] "If you've committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'."
- [Homer clicks "No".]
- Wiggum: "You have chosen 'No', meaning that you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home." [An image of a paddy wagon with a flashing siren appears in the corner of the screen.]
- Homer: [indignantly] "Hey!!"
- Wiggum: "While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt. [Images of the items with the SPD logo appear, surrounding Wiggum's face.] You have the right to remain fabulous!" [The flashing words "NOW 80% OFF" appear on the screen.]
- Homer: No one can silence me but me!
- Fake Homer: That arranged can be.
- Homer: Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
- Lisa: Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
- Homer: That's a great idea! I'll just make up some news!
- Lisa: Ugh, at least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that!
- (Mr. X reports that Apu's bagels are really old donuts)
- Chief Wiggum: In the interests of public safety, we have confiscated every donut, bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city. And some coffee.
- Moe: Well, if Mr. X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty.
- Homer: Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret.
- Moe: No.
- Homer: Not even a little one?
- Moe: No!
- Homer: What if I just whisper it?
- Moe: No, I tells ya!
- Leader: As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now.
- Homer: (Taking his face out of ice cream with needles sticking out) I'm sorry, what?
- (Next scene at the Simpson house)
- Marge: Homie!
- Fake Homer: (Speaking with a German accent) Marge, honey, Fraulein, I'm home!
- Marge: You're not my husband!
- Fake Homer: Jah, please forgive my unexplained two week absence. To make it up to you we will go out to dinner at a sensibly-priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.
- Marge: Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.
- Homer: It's great to be back
(Santa's Little Helper barks)
- Bart: The dog thinks so too!
- (The Simpson Family laugh)
(Fake Santa's Little Helper's mouth opens and gasses The Simpson Family)
- Homer: Bad dog!
- Marge (as an Island prisoner): You know once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place
- Homer: Truly god's country
(gass fills the screen) Bart: See you on the island...
- Lisa: Yes, the island!
(ominous music plays over the end credits)