Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"/Quotes
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"Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish""
- Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
- (the children laugh)
- Martin: Dickety? Highly dubious!
- Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
- Bart: (after Grampa spits) Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.
- Grandpa: Oh, jabberjack. Schoolhouse don't put up spittoons, I ain't responsible. (spits again)
- Mrs. Krabappel: All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda yadda yadda.
- Grandpa Van Houten: Uh, how many of you have a house? (children raise their hands) All right, now how many of you drove your house to school today? (children raise their hands again, then wake up) Well, I did. (chuckles) No, I'm not Superman; I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.
- Children: Wow!
- Grandpa Muntz: No, I'm not Superman; I'm a judge. Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh... no, 47th.
- Nelson: Wow, 47! I love you, Grandpa.
- Grampa: Yeah… well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!
- Bart: (back at home) And then, he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he :always making up those crazy stories?
- Homer: Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home.
- Lisa: You already put him in a home.
- Bart: Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.
- Mr. Burns: There, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your press board coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
- Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!
- Mr. Burns: That's precisely the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
- (Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound.)
- Grampa: How long was that?
- Nurse: Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.
- Abe: Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! [runs down the hall] Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi... Whoa! (a knife flies at his head)
- Vidal: (disguised as Homer) D'oh! Not again!
- Burns: (disguised as Marge) I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.
- Smithers: (disguised as Bart) I'll be in the car, dudes.
- Jasper: (after gunshots are aimed towards Abe) Was that me or was that you?
- Grampa: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!
- Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication!
- (Vidal comes in, shoots everywhere)
- Nurse: (loads shotgun, and shoots) Our residents (shoots) are trying (shoots) to nap! (shoots)
- Abe: (pounding on the door) Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!
- Homer: Who is it?
- Marge: It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.
- Abe: And then, a knife flew at my head. And [points to Homer] you were there, and [points to Homer] you were there...
- Lisa: Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth.
- Abe: It's plenty moist!
- Marge: Where are we going to put him?
- Homer: Bart's room.
- Lisa: Bart's room.
- Marge: Bart's room.
- Bart: Dumpster.
- Bart: Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?
- Abe: Well... he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.
- Abe: (yells) Don't kill me!
- Burns: I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little Johnny Live-a-lot. Now, give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza.
- Bart: Oh, wow! There really is a treasure! Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa.
- Abe: Here's the key.
- Bart: Aw... figures.
- (Mr. Burns plows through Lisa's room in a cherry picker.)
- Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
- Lisa: Santa?
- Abe: Ah, I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich.
- Bart: Not without the keys, he isn't! (shows Abe the two keys)
- Abe: Hey, you got the keys!
- Bart: Now we can get the treasure!
- Abe: Oh, what's the use. Burns would still find some way to take it from me.
- Bart: I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure, you gotta do it for Ox, and Asa, and Griff, and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie.
- Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night?
- Abe: If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.
- Ned: (to Abe on the boat) Well, howdy-doodily, stranger! Couldn't help but notice you're stealing my boat.
- Abe: I'll bring it back.
- Ned: You ever operated a powerboat?
- Abe: No.
- Ned: Know anything about water safety?
- Abe: No!
- Ned: What do you need it for?
- Abe: It's a secret.
- Ned: Hoo-hoo, sounds spine-tingling-dingling! Just promise you'll have a good time. (hands him the keys) Maude, boys, come on up! We're gonna have a little camp out in the dinghy!
- Maude, Rod & Todd: Yay!
- Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you thing I could've been a Flying Hellfish?
- Abe: You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-em-hell attitude and a 4th grade education. You could've made sergeant.
- Bart: You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish.
- Burns: Oh, am I? (aims his gun at Bart)
- Abe: No! Look, take the art if you want, just don't hurt the boy.
- Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both. (kicks Bart in the crate, which tilts over and falls in the sea)
- Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
- Abe: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!
- Smithers: They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. (Burns stares at him) It's been an honor to serve you, sir. (jumps off)
- Burns: Don't kill me...
- Abe: I ain't gonna kill ya, that'd be cowardly; Monty Burns cowardly. I just want to watch you squirm.
- Burns: Yes sir. (squirms) Is this to your liking?
- Agent: Baron von Herzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for...
- Baron: Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der art things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Struttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. (the agent is storing the paintings in the trunk)
- Hey, und dummkopf! Watch out for the CD-changer in my trunk, eh? Idiot.
- Abe: Oh... I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed.
- Bart: I won't get embarrassed; I don't care who knows I love my Grampa. (both hug)
- Baron: Hey, fun boys, get a room!