Views |
Homer's Triple Bypass/QuotesWikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. Bart [at breakfast]: Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims? Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross! Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal] Bart: What's wrong, Dad? Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now...[back to normal] Ooh, bacon! Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you! Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump] Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go. Homer: What the hell is this? Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal. Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink] Marge: No there isn't. Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon] Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that. Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating] [at the gas station] Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise. [The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.] Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away] Boy: Where's he going? Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? Boy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?! Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy. Mr. Burns [about Homer's eating donuts]: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers? Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder. Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides! [a "window" shows Homer's heart, beating fast] Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello... Homer: Whew...[heart slows down] Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired! Homer: [gags; his heart speeds up] Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled... Homer: Whew...[heart slows down] Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off! Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster] Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... Homer: Whew...[heart slows down] Mr. Burns: ...a grave for! Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster] Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious! Homer: [stares blankly; his heart beats normally] Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible! Homer: Aarrggghh! [his heart goes crazy and he collapses; his astral body rises from Homer's physical body] Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Mr. Burns: Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow. Homer's astral body: Mmm...ham...[returns to Homer's body] Smithers: No, wait. He's alive. Mr. Burns: Oh good. Cancel the ham. Homer: D'oh! Marge: [answers the phone] Hello...Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves] Patty: Oh my God. Selma: What? Patty: 5 cents off wax paper. Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement] Homer [to Dr. Hibbert]: Remember your Hippopotamus oath! Marge: Can't you do something for him? Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. Homer: What an age we live in! [Homer stands behind an X-ray machine] Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system. Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord! Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Homer: Say it in English, Doc. Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery. Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade? Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well. Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000. Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses] Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000. Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work? Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge. Marge: D'oh! Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! [Homer's at "Happy Widow's Insurance"] Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions. Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away. Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero. Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages". Clerk: All right. Here's your policy. Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just-- Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet. Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...policy! Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you! Homer: I made an H! Clerk: That doesn't count! Homer: Looks like an X. [the clerk manages to pull it away] Clerk: We better get you to a hospital. Homer: Can I have a free calendar? Clerk: OK. Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt! [with Reverend Lovejoy] Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen] [with Rabbi Krustofsky] Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000? Rabbi Krustofsky: Hmm? Bart: Any luck, Dad? Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel] Bart: What is that? Homer: Son, it's called a droodel. Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation. Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows. Homer: Really? What's it like? Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs] Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile. Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln? Homer: He sold poison milk to school children. Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down... Ned [praying]: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4. Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it! Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it! Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! Barney: What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini? Moe: Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it] Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this. Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up... Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: ...because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man. Bart: Thanks, Dad. Homer: And Lisa... Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you... Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: ...that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart! Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear] Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you. Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him] Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick! Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved! Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. Barney: How long has it been? Moe: 6 seconds. Barney: Do we have to start over? Moe: Hell no. Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health? Customer: Give me some jerky. Apu: Would you like some vodka with that? Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure. Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain! Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh. Lisa: All right, Dad! Bart: You rule intensive care! |
||||||||||||||||
