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Homer's Barbershop Quartet/QuotesWikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
Mayor Quimby: "Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron!" George Harrison: (responding to the Be Sharps' rooftop concert) "It's been done." (Comic Book Guy puts the "Melvin and the Squirrel" record on.) Record: "Stuck a feather in his cap and called it Rice-a-Roni." "MEL-VIN!" George Harrison: "Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison." Homer: "Oh, my god. OH, MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?" George: "Over there. There's a big pile of 'em" Homer: (excited, gobbles some down) Oh, man! George: "Well, what a nice fella!" Apu: "Apu Nahasapeemapetilon." Nigel: "Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, love. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarche." Apu: "That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and God...but okay." (Homer addresses the crowd after finishing the B-Sharps New York performance) Homer: "I'd like to introduce you all to a very special woman. She's 200 years old, 500 feet tall, and weighs 400..."(winks) "Tons." Man in Crowd:" This gigantic woman will devour us all! YAAAAGH! "(Jumps into River) Homer: "I meant the statue." (Chief Wiggum shoots the TV) Sarah Wiggum: "Clancy, use the remote." Abe: "That's my son up there!" Jasper: "What, the balding fatass?" Abe: "Uh, no, the Hindu guy." Bart: (after looking at record sleeve) "You wrote a song, dad?" Homer: "I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago." Bart: "Dad, I can't even remember what happened eight minutes ago. [everyone laughs] No, I can't. It's a serious problem!" Homer: (laughs) "Who cares?" Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards! Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! 26 conversions in A.D. 46. Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card! Flanders: (chuckles) Well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun? Bart: Religion? Milhouse: Learning? Nelson: Let's get out of here! Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business; what goes up must come down. Lisa: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty years. Bart: So's Sinatra. Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of... Lisa: Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Bart: Ditto Tom Jones. Homer: Shut up! Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit. Homer: Bart, what did I tell you? Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890's prospector, consarn it. Lisa: Wow, an original Malibu Stacey from 1958! [sees the huge, pointed breasts] Oh... Man: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out. Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero! David Crosby: Oh, you like my music? Barney: You're a musician? Human Fly: Hello, Human Fly here! Come on, I spent all night dying my underwear. Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool. Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid. Homer: Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. (the tire blows out) D'oh! Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie. Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Principal Skinner: (seriously) Yes. Yes, it is. (Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio) Homer, Apu, Skinner: (singing off-key) For all the latest medical poop, Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. Poo poo pa-doop... Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T. Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney? Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist. (Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder) Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places! (On the recorder) Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be? Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe! Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat. Moe: Here you go! Ned: You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn. Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas. Ned: Oh, my stars! Moe: Those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job. Nigel: I didn't pay any girls to scream. Moe: Huh?! Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen...what do we call ourselves? Nigel: How about, "Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?" Barney: I like it! Apu: Wait, I do not. Skinner: Er, um, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it. Apu: How about, "The Be Sharps?" [Everyone laughs loud at first, then less, then the laughter tapers off] Skinner: Perfect! Homer: What'd you kids get? Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder. Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years. Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous! Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been. Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart? Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. [scene shows Bart under a laundry basket, tapping a cup on it] Grampa [singing]: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there. Homer: Get of the stage! Grampa: I want to, but I can't! Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys? Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners. Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them. Lisa: Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise. Lunch boxes... coffee mugs...funny foam...[squirts some on Homer] Homer: They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. [looks over] Bart! Bart: [through a mouth full of foam] What? (Apu returns to work at the Kwik-E-Mart) Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good honest work. Customer: How much is this quart of milk? Apu: Twelve dollars. Homer [when he comes back to work]: Hey, fellows, I'm back! Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired. [shot of a chicken in Homer's chair, pecking the controls] Hey, Queenie, you can go now! Homer: I'll give her a good home. [scene goes back to Bart and Lisa, centered on Homer's stomach] And I did. Bart: Man, that's some story! Lisa: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today? Bart: Yeah, and what happened to the money you made? Lisa: Why haven't you hung up your gold records? Bart: Since when could you write a song? Homer: [laughs] There are perfectly good answers to those questions. But they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed! |
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