Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- [Homer, dressed as Forrest Gump, is sitting on a bench. Chief Wiggum comes along.]
- Wiggum: Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters.
- Moe: [dressed as Austin Powers] Oh, behave!
- [Officers Lou and Eddie appear, grab Moe, and put him into a paddy wagon with Dr. Hibbert, who is dressed as Darth Vader.]
- Hibbert: Luke, I am your father. [laughs]
- Moe: Yeah, it's shag-a-delic.
- [Chief Wiggum takes a seat on the bench and talks with Homer.]
- Homer: Don't you have criminals to catch?
- Wiggum: Hey, I'm working on it. We, uh, we got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the Mob. [looks across street] Oh, there he is now. [waves and hollers] Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine!
- [The view expands to show Pete standing next to a sunglasses-wearing Fat Tony. Tony removes his sunglasses and stares menacingly at Pete, and Pete laughs nervously.]
- [The Simpson family take a blindfolded Homer to the Springfield Friars Club.]
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, Homer! Do you remember this voice?
- Homer: Kathleen Turner! [growls]
- Krusty: No, it's me, Krusty! [pulls off Homer's blindfold] You're at the Springfield Friars Club, where tonight, we're roasting you, Homer Simpson!
- [The audience applauds.]
- Homer: Are the proceeds going to charity?
- Krusty: [scoffs] Hell, no!
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- [The roasting of Homer commences. Bart and Lisa join Krusty at the podium.]
- Krusty: Now I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it. First, we have Mark Spitz.
- Lisa: Who's Mark Spitz?
- Bart: What's a telegram?
- [Mr. Burns takes his turn at the podium for the Homer-roast.]
- Burns: I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of Homer J. Simpson. [Homer gasps] Again and again he has brought this town to the brink of annihilation.
- [The audience laughs hysterically.]
- Burns: Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children!
- [The audience laughs even more hysterically, Kent Brockman to the point of falling over backwards in his chair.]
- Burns: Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery. [gestures at video screen]
- Carl: [in audience, still laughing] Poop.
- [Krusty introduces the next two speakers for the roast.]
- Krusty: Now here's a couple that's been dating. Carbon-dating! [laughs] Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner!
- [The audience applauds as Agnes and Abe step up to the podium. Agnes is wearing an extremely low-cut dress that shows lots of cleavage.]
- Abe: Sweet Toledo! What's keepin' that dress on?
- Sideshow Mel: [standing up and shouting] The collective will of everyone in this room!
- Agnes: [angry] You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me!
- [The festivities are interrupted by the arrival of Kang and Kodos. They smash their ship through the auditorium's ceiling and disembark, demanding silence while waving their rayguns at the audience.]
- Krusty: [angry, confrontational] Look, you weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show!
- [Kodos zaps Krusty with a raygun, giving him a huge electrical shock.]
- Krusty: [between screams] This can't be good for my pacemaker.
- [Kang and Kodos hook Homer up to a probe and display a montage of memories, mostly showing Homer losing his temper.]
- Kang: Your species is brutish and primitive!
- Kodos: Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet?
- Lisa: Wait! What about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind.
- [Kang and Kodos laugh, but agree to give it a try. They put another memory probe on Maggie and display a montage of happy and pleasant memories, including her first word: "Daddy." Afterwards, the aliens are sniffling and have copious amounts of fluid leaking from their eyes.]
- Lisa: [to Marge] It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness.
- Kodos: These are not tears! We are vomiting from our eyes. Your baby's treacle has only intensfied our loathing!
- Kang: Wait! Look at the screen. The baby continues to reminisce!
- [A celebrity-laden montage of memories reminds the aliens that Earth has much to offer, as so many of their favorite celebrities live there. The aliens agree to not destroy Earth, in exchange for admission to other awards shows. Kang and Kodos visit the People's Choice Awards (and look forward to the Daytime Emmys) as the closing song starts to play.]