- "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!"
- ―Madam Wu
|"Goo Goo Gai Pan"
"Goo Goo Gai Pan" is the twelfth episode of season 16. It originally aired on March 13, 2005 and was written by Lawrence Talbot and directed by Lance Kramer. It guest starred Robert Wagner, and Lucy Liu as Madam Wu. It was the first appearance of Ling Bouvier.
Selma has a severe hot flash while giving Mr. Burns his driving test. Dr. Hibbert explains (with help from a video starring Robert Wagner) that Selma is experiencing the onset of menopause. Selma, decides she wants a baby rather than grow old alone. Adoption is suggested, but the Springfield orphanage is empty. Lisa suggests adopting a baby girl from China. One problem: the Chinese government only allows married couples to adopt. No problem; Selma writes down a name for her husband - Homer's - and "The Simpsons are going to China!" (with Marge acting as Bart and Lisa's nanny) so Selma and Homer can pick up the baby together.
Selma gives Mr. Burns his driving test to replace his old license, which expired in 1909. During the test, she experiences a hot flash and is later taken to the hospital. She learns that she is experiencing menopause (which is explained in a video with Robert Wagner). She is saddened that now she can't have children. Lisa suggests that she adopt a child. However, after her first choice, one of Cletus' children, is taken back, Selma decides to adopt a child from China. Although her forms are in order, Selma learns that she has to be married to legally get a child. She puts down the second name she thinks of, after asking the agency if they knew who MacGyver was, and being told yes, she puts down Homer Simpson.
While on the plane to China, Selma informs Homer that he must pretend to be her husband. Shocked, he later decides to do it for Marge. When they arrive, Selma claims that Bart and Lisa are their own children and Marge is their nanny. The Chinese adoption agent, Madam Wu (voiced by Lucy Liu), tells them that they will get a baby in a few days. Reasoning that he has no chance of being outed, Homer claims he is an acrobat when asked and is later called to perform a stunt when the main performer in a show suffers a "bullet-related death" from questioning the Communist Party; Homer is told to perform to forestall a riot brought on by the audience's realisation that the CCP is not infallible. Homer himself gets severely hurt performing and is treated in a hospital. There, Selma gets her daughter, whom she names Ling and who is fond of grabbing Homer's eyes. When everyone leaves, Homer and Marge snuggle and are caught by Wu, who takes back Selma's baby.
The Simpsons decide to bring back Ling. At the nursery, they dress and spray paint Homer as a golden Buddha statue. The Chinese guards bring him in, although Homer can hardly keep in the pain they are causing trying to move him by inserting a hook into his nostril. He is able to find Ling and get her out. In Tiananmen Square, they are confronted by Madam Wu in a tank and Selma is able to convince her that she should keep Ling, although she needs to sign a form just to talk to her, from bureaucrat to bureaucrat. Wu says that she herself had to be raised by her mother, as her father choked to death the day before the Heimlich maneuver was invented, explaining her leniency (though she does stop Homer from smuggling a panda cub in his luggage). The Simpsons, Selma, and Ling then depart China via junk.