Funeral for a Fiend/Quotes
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- Sideshow Bob: "Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally] This time I've made no mistakes."
- Lisa: "Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly.""
- Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." [leaves and shuts the door]"
- Lisa: "Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up."
- Sideshow Bob: [re-enters] I shall! [takes the laptop] Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth!
- (laptop explodes, Bob falls to the ground)
- Sideshow Bob: "Hoist on his own petard."
- Lisa: "It's "hoist with his own petard.""
- Sideshow Bob: "Oh, get a life."
- Sideshow Bob: "Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge."
- Homer:" I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!"
- Sideshow Bob: "I'm Wes Doobner!"
- Homer: "Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--"
- Sideshow Bob: "Shut up!"
- Kent Brockman: "America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ."
- (Krusty plays the piano and sings in mourning at Sideshow Bob's funeral.)
- Krusty: [singing] "Farewell, Sideshow Bob
- Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark.
- Bart stole your nitroglycerin
- And then your heart, it barked.
- And it seems to me your loyal fans
- Oughta buy this DVD
- [Holds up a Best of Sideshow Bob DVD]
- Of all your best-loved sketches
- On The Krusty Show.
- It's full of extra features
- And deleted scenes.
- Like when you fell and split your pants
- And we saw your "Frank and Beans."
- [At Cirucit Circus]
- Homer: [to Bart] "Now ignore all the fancy shmancy thingamajigs, boy. We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home."
- Salesman #1: "Interested in a car stereo?"
- Homer: "No, thanks. Just here for a battery."
- Salesman #2: "Big special on camcorders!"
- Homer: "All I want is a battery."
- Saleswoman: "Care to make love, sir?"
- Homer: "Battery, battery, battery!"
- [At Sideshow Bob's trial]
- Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
- [The entire courtroom gasps in shock]
- Prosecutor: [to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
- Sideshow Bob: But--
- Prosecutor: Damn!
- [The family watches a commercial for a new restaurant]
- Wes Doobner: "Howdy, folks! Are tired of family arguments over where to go for dinner?"
- Homer: "Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back."
- Wes Doobner: "Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with somethin' for everyone!"
- Homer: "Good luck with my finicky appetite!"
- Wes Doobner: "We've got ribs--"
- Homer: "Sold!"
- Wes Doobner: "Plain noodles."
- [Marge sighs]
- Wes Doobner: "With butter."
- Marge: "Yowza!"
- Wes Doobner: "Texas tofu!"
- Lisa: "Yummy, yumma!"
- Wes Doobner: "And the easiest place mat puzzle in the state."
- Bart: "Let me at it!"
- [Lisa explains how she figured out Sideshow Bob's scheme on the way to save Bart at the funeral home]
- Lisa: "Bob planned this from the beginning."
- Homer: "Uh-huh."
- Lisa: "He wanted to be captured at the restaurant."
- Homer: "Yes."
- Lisa: "He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong."
- Lisa: "His mother was a Shakespearian actress."
- Homer: "Oh, yeeh!"
- Lisa: "His father was a doctor."
- Homer: "A doctor, huh?"
- Lisa: "So when Bob collaspsed in the courtroom..."
- Homer: "I remember."
- Lisa: "...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death."
- Homer: "Uh-huh."
- Lisa: "It was a diabolical scheme and every member of his family played a part!"
- Homer: "Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for 10 minutes."
- Lisa: [Begrudgingly] "Yes."
[The Simpsons enter the church to say farewell to Sideshow Bob]
- Homer: "I dont know about you, but I still can't stand him. [echoes] I still can't stand him, I still can't stand him."
- [Everyone gasps]
- Homer: "I don't care about these church jerks" [echoes]
- Marge: "Homer, you're behaviour is hanus. [echoes] Anus, anus, anus."