Radio Bart/Transcript

Transcript for Radio Bart

Transcript information Transcribed by: Phinbart

[The episode opens with Lisa dancing in front of the TV. Homer comes into the room.]

Homer: Aw...intitude.

[Lisa continues dancing. Homer comes over to her.]

Homer: Hey, where in God's name did you learn that kind of...dancing

[Homer stares at the TV. The camera pans over to the TV, where woman are shown dancing.]

Homer: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

[Homer gets the image of women dancing in his eyes. Homer starts drooling, which also has the image of women on it.]

Homer: Oh, yeah.

[Homer sits with his mouth open, staring at the TV.]

Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?

[Homer gets his wallet out of his pocket and gives Lisa dollar bills.]

Homer: Money.

[Lisa flicks through the money.]

Lisa: Dad this is 110 dollars!

[Homer gives Lisa his wallet.]

Homer: Oh sorry!

[Lisa goes off-screen. Talking is coming from the TV. The camera turns to the TV, where a man is talking into a microphone.]

TV Presenter: That's very rightous. Funky see, funky do will be back to lip-synch one of their hits right after this.

[On the TV is a boy sitting indoors watching the TV, while his friends play outside.]

Advert Announcer: Hey, kids. Why sit infront of the TV when you can be on the radio.

[The TV suddenly turns into a radio, and the kid holds a microphone in his hand. In the next scene, the kid is speaking into the microphone, while surrounded by kids]

Kid: (singing) Word on a roll this truckin' Convoy! Cross the USA, convoy!

Homer: That could be Bart!

[The camera pans to the TV, where on-screen hands grab a microphone and radio and drop in it a bin.]

Advert Announcer: Throw away your bulky fest-fitters and broadcasting towers. The Super-star celebrity Microphone lets you hear your voice through any AM radio.

[Teens in a car look at ladies walking down the pavement. One of them holds a microphone with them and talks into it.]

Teen: Hey, good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later.

[The car drives away and the girls giggle. Pan back to Homer.]

Homer: [whistles] He's in for some lovin'.

Advert Announcer: It's the perfect gift for birthdays, graduations, board meetings...

[A boss holds a microphone. He points at an employee.]

Boss: You're fired!

[Pan back to Homer.]

Homer: Hmm...Bart's birthdays coming up.

Advert Announcer: ...But order now supply is limited.

Homer: (gasps worridly) Limited!

[Homer picks up the phone and dials in a number.]

Homer: You have any of those microphones left?!

[A man is shown sitting at his desk, answering Homer's call, being surronding by hundreds of boxes of "The Super-Star Celebrity Microphone.]

Man: Yeah, [stares at boxes] a couple.

[Scene changes to an above shot of Marge and Homer in bed.]

Homer: You know, Marge. Bart's really going to like my birthday present this year. It won't be like those shoe trees I got him last year. Or the shelf paper I bought him for Christmas. I'll buy his love yet.

[Marge mm-mms. Scene changes to Bart on his birthday. He is wearing a badge with Krusty on saying "Kiss Me. It's My Birthday.]

Bart: [whistles]

[Homer is drawing a line around Bart's hair on a door. Bart turns around and him and Homer look at three different hairlines, showing how tall Bart has grown over the last three years. Bart walks off-screen. Pan to living room, where Bart comes in and sits down. He stops whistling, and presses a button on the remote. Homer enters the room. Pan to TV.]

Krusty: OK, Sideshow Mel. Bring out the birthday cake.

[On TV, Sideshow Mel comes on-screen carrying a birthday cake. A tune plays. Sideshow Mel trips over Krusty's feet and the cake goes up in the air and falls on the ground. Krusty kicks Sideshow Mel into the cake. Sideshow Mel comes out with icing on his face and his hair on fire. The kids in the audience cheer.]

Krusty: Hey kids :[Sideshow Mel runs past Krusty with his hair still on fire, screaming. Pan to living room, where Bart and Homer are watching TV.] if Sideshow Mel mops up :[Pan back to TV] lets see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today.

[Pan back to living room]

Bart: Oh, right! Here comes my name.

[Bart slides onto the floor, where he watches closly on TV for his name to pop up. His name is seen in the list.]

Bart: Wow, best eight bucks I ever spent.

[Pan to Homer. Marge comes in holding the phone in her arms.]

Marge: Bart, your grampa's on the phone. He wants to wish you a happy birthday.

[Pan to Bart]

Bart: Isn't that nice! Take a message. Right now I'm going to hit 46 local merchants for free birthday goods and services.

[Bart holds a coupon for a free birthday sundae at Phineas Q. Butterfat's 5600 Flavors Ice Cream Parlor. Pan to the ice cream parlor.]

Bart: I'm here for my free birthday sundae!

[The employee picks up the birthday sundae from the floor, which is a tiny blob of ice cream in a tiny bowl. He puts it on the counter.]

Employee: Eat it and get out!

[Bart holds a coupon for a free birthday shave at Jake's Unisex Hair Palace. Inside, Jake is brushing shaving foam off Bart's face.]

Bart: Video audio tape my butt. When I was a kid, we had compact discs and I don't recall anyone complaining.

Jake: Damn right!

[Bart holds a coupon for a free tango lesson. Pan to inside dance hall. Bart is tango dancing with a women. Bart's watch beeps.]

Bart: Sorry, Rosarita, I gotta get to my birthday party.

Rosarita: Farewell, Señor Bart.

[Pan to Wall E. Weasels. Bart is greeting his visitors.]

Bart: Hey good to see ya. Glad you could make it. Toby, have you lost weight? Uh-oh, here comes trouble! He-he.

[A person in a weasel suit enters.]

Child 1: It's Wall E!

[Everyone starts cheering.]

Child 2: It's Wall E! Do something funny!

Man in Wall E. suit: Hey I'll play later OK, hey! :[Kids surround the man as he tries to walk away.] Why don't you go bug your parents?

Bart: Cool, Larry the Looter!

[On the video game screen, a looter runs away from a burning car and gets hold of a bin, which he smashes into a store window. Bart laughs.]

Bart: Alright, stick it to the man.

[The looter grabs products from the store and puts them in a sack. The looter runs away, but a flower stand keeper shoots him.]

Bart: (sadly) Oh.

[Pan to stage. A Wall E. robot comes out and stares at Bart.]

Wall E. robot: Hi there, I hear it's your birthday. How old are you?

Bart: Well I'm...

Wall E. robot: Hey that's great! Would you like us to sing you a special song?

Bart: Hell, no!

Wall E. robot: You got it, ready Señor Beaverotti?

Reddy robot: I'm-a-ready! And a one, and a two!

Robots: You're the birthday, you're the birthday, you're the birthday boy or girl.

[One of the robots catches on fire. The man in the Wall E. suit sprays the fire with an extinguisher. Pan to Bart's table. Homer eats pizza. Bart opens one of his presents. Selma takes a photo of Bart holding the gift.]

Bart: What the...

Patty: It's a label maker.

Selma: Mm-mm. We have one at home. Before I got it I was always finding Patty's stubble on my razor.

Bart: Urgh!

[Bart rotates the top of the label maker which makes labels come out. He grabs the label and puts it on the label maker. The label reads "This Bites". Photos are taken of Bart holding a sock, a Guide to Etiquette and a plant, while he is looking bored at it.]

Homer: Bart I'll bet you think nothing's going to top that cactus. Well check out my present.

[Bart tears apart the wrapping paper and finds a "Superstar Celebrity Microphone" box. Bart holds it up to read it. He throws it on the ground]

Bart: Next!

Marge: Bart! Be polite!

Bart: [bored] Next, please!

Martin: Bart I've noticed your birthday presents are at poor, cropped best. :[Martin gets his present from under the table and puts it on the table.] I hope this turns the tide.

[Bart takes the top off the present and gets a jacket and a cap that resemble Martin's out of the box.]

Patty and Selma: Oooh!

Patty: Just gorgeous.

Martin: :[Martin puts the cap on Bart.] Now we can be twins.

[A photo of Bart and Martin is taken. In the picture, Bart looks depressed. The camera pans over a "Property of Bart Simpson" label. "Property of Bart Simpson" labels are over the walls and the kitchen. Bart is using his label maker to print another label. He places the label on Santa's Little Helper's head. Bart walks away. Santa's Little Helper looks at the label on his head. Homer opens the fridge door. He finds a "Duff Beer" can has a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on it.]

Homer: Oh, there's only one can of beer left and it's Bart's.

[Bart places another label on a table. Homer enters.]

Homer: Hey, boy how's the microphone working?

Bart: Fine.

[Bart walks away, which reveals the Superstar Celebrity Microphone is wedged against the window frames, still in it's box.]

Homer: Bart! I would love to get a present like that.

[Bart takes the box from the window and shoves it in Homer's hands.]

Bart: Here you go! Enjoy!

[Bart turns around and plays with his label maker.]

Homer: D'oh! Listen boy, this is a great invention. Watch!

[Homer grabs Bart by the shirt and takes him away.]

Bart: Uh!

[Homer has the microphone in his hands.]

Homer: We got a great big Convoy rocking through the night. :[Bart watches Lisa cover her ears.] We got a great big Convoy. :[Santa's Little Helper starts howling.] Isn't she a beautiful size?! Convoy!

Lisa: Quit it, Dad!

[Homer and Bart enter the kitchen, where Marge is stirring the soup.]

Homer: Hey, good lookin'! We'll be back for some dinner later.

Marge: What did you say? I can't understand you with all the distortion.

Homer: Oh.

[Marge looks sadly at them. Pan to bedroom, Bart is holding a "Martin" cap, one of his birthday presents.]

Bart: What a crappy present.

[Bart throws the cap across the room.]

Marge: You know Bart, I don't think this is such a bad present. Maybe you just shouldn't talk into it loud as your father does. [through microphone] Testing. Testing 1, 2, 3. Oh my, do I sound like that?

Bart: Hey it does work.

Marge: I bet you can have a lot of fun with this. Why don't you go show your father?

Bart: Hmm....

[Pan to inside of freezer. Homer picks out a tub of neopolitan ice cream.]

Homer: Mmmm....chocolate.

[Homer looks in the tub and realizes that there is no chocolate ice cream left in the tub. He puts the tub on the table.]

Homer: D'oh!

[He picks out another tub.]

Homer: Mmmm...chocolate.

[Homer looks in the tub and realizes that there is no chocolate ice cream left in the tub. He puts the tub on the table.]

Homer: D'oh! Marge, we need more vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry ice cream!

Marge: [off-screen] I get some at the store tomorrow, Homer!

Homer: Mmmm...chocolate.

[Homer puts the tubs back in the freezer and closes the door.]

Bart: [over the radio] People of earth, this is Bartron, Commander of the Martian Invasion Force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless.

Homer: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

[Pan to bedroom, Homer patrols the hallway with a gun.]

Bart: We have captured your president. :[Homer looks into the bedroom.] He was delicious.

[Homer runs upto Bart.]

Homer: Why you little....!

[Homer strangles Bart.]

Homer: Wait a minute. Does this mean you like my present?

Bart: [with Homer's hands around his neck] Uh-huh.

[Homer lets Bart go.]

Homer: Oh! [Homer hugs Bart] Just promise me you won't pull any more practical jokes.

Bart: I promise!

[Homer hugs Bart. Bart puts a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on Homer's bottom.]

Bart: [cackles] He-he-he!

[Pan to Maggie's bedroom, where Marge walks in with her. She puts her in her cot. Marge takes her pacifier out.]

Bart: Moma! Moma!

Marge: [gasps] Maggie! You talked! Can you say "Moma" again?

Bart: [in a disguised voice] Sorry, mama, show's over.

[Marge puts her hand behind Maggie's pillow. She finds a mini-radio.]

Marge: Oh, Bart!

[Pan to doorway, Bart is standing at the door with his microphone.]

Bart: He-he-he-he.

[Pan to a close-up of Non-Threatening Boys.]

Lisa: I dreamed I was married [the camera zooms out to reveal Lisa is holding the magazine with Janey on her bed.] Cory and we lived on a pony farm, and [the camera pans below Lisa's bed to reveal a microphone is under it.] Cory was always walking around with his [over radio] shirt off.

[Pan to Bart's bedroom. Bart and Milhouse are listening on the radio to what Lisa's saying. Bart and Milhouse laugh and snicker.]

Bart: Oh, brother.

[Pan to Mrs. Krabappel's classroom. She finishes writing something on the blackboard and sits down at her desk. A farting sound is heard as she sits. Pan to Bart.]

Bart: [blows raspberries through the microphone].

[The whole class laughs and Bart puts his microhpone in his tray.]

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel! That was uncalled for!

[Mrs. Krabappel picks up the radio and angrily moans at Bart.]

Milhouse: Bravo!

Nelson: Well done, old man!

[Pan to Bart's bedroom. Bart is holding his microphone and looks out the window to see Rod and Todd in their bedroom.]

Bart: Hmm...

[Pan to Rod and Todd's bedroom. Rod and Todd are sitting on their beds.]

Bart: [over their radio] Rod, Todd! This is God!

Rod: How did you get on the radio?

Bart: What do you mean, how did I get on the radio?! I created the universe, stupid kids!

Todd: Forgive my brother, we believe you.

Bart: Todd is cheap. Perhaps a test of die fate. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you-

[In their bedroom, Rod walks into the wall.]

Bart: -later. [laughs]

Todd: What do you want from us?

Bart: [over radio] I got a job for thee. [from bedroom window] Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on The Simpsons' porch.

Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents.

Bart: [over radio] [gasps] Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?!

Rod: Happy god!

Bart: Now quit flapping your lip and help with the cookies!

Rod and Todd: Yes, sir.

[They run off-screen. Pan to Bart's bedroom, where he flips his microphone around. He blows into it. Pan to a grassy area with a well, Bart is preparing to put his radio down the well, with the string attached. He is whistling. He gently pushes the string down into the well. He drops it in.]

Bart: Whoops.

[Pan to Willie, who is cleaning his truck.]

Bart: [from a distance] Help! Help!

Willie: Good man! Sounds like trouble at brew at the old well.

[Willie runs off-screen. Pan to the radio at the bottom of the well.]

Bart: [through radio] Help me please!

[Pan to an inside look at the top of the well. Willie stares down it.]

Bart: [through radio] I fell down a well!

Willie: [echoes] I'll get help, laddy! I need a lick of courage.

[Willie drinks out of a little flask. He wipes his mouth and runs across the road. Car horns blare. He runs off-screen, gets his truck and drives it onto the road.]

Willie: Outta my way! Look out, you horse's arse!

[Bart runs from behind a bush. He is holding his microphone. Willie drives off-screen.]

Bart: He-ha-ha-ha! Sucker!

[Pan to the Simpsons living room. Homer is standing near the window, watching people running by.]

Homer: Huh?

[Homer opens the front door.]

Homer: Hey, what's up?

[Bart walks behind Homer, followed by the whole family.]

Jasper: Some fool kid fell down a well!

Bart: Yes!

[Pan to the hill near the well. The field is flocked with news reporters, citizens and camera crews. Bart is behind a tree.]

Bart: [through radio] My name is Timmy O'Toole. I just turned ten-years-old.

[Chief Wiggum and a reporter are staring down the well.]

Reporter: Timmy, where are your parents?

Bart: [through radio] Ah, I have no family! I tried to enroll in school, but your Principal Skinner turned me away because of my shabby clothes.

[The citizens gasp. Principal Skinner is took surrounded by people taking pictures of him.]

Principal Skinner: He's a liar.

People: Booo!

[He is surrounded by people. Pan to Kent Brockman, who is filming the news show with a cameraman.]

Kent Brockman: The conference of the well is 34 inches. So, unfortunately, [Jimbo waves at the camera.] not one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the boy.

Chief Wiggum: By god man, you're a bunch of marshmallows!

Brown Police Officer: Why don't you go, Chief?!

Chief Wiggum: Well, I'm too f-...important.

Kent Brockman: Although the well is too dark to see the boy, Timmy has told us his foot is trapped under a rock. Any attempt to pull it up would snap him like a twig. In desperation, the city is considering more honour for solution.

Man: Grasping the child firmly in his talents, this socatary will fly him to safety. Just watch.

[The man lifts up a yellow mini-hat from the top of the bird and flies into the sky.]

Man: I don't think he's coming back.

Man 2: With this hook, and this chocolate, I'll land your boy. And I'll clean him for free.

Professor Frink: Although we can't see the boy, we can freeze him with this hydrogen, for future generations when they rescue him.

[Pan to the Simpsons' family room. The Simpsons are on their couch. Their heads are down and their hands are on their table. They have their eyes closed.]

Marge: Dear, lord, before we peel the foil back from your bounty, we ask you to watch over little Timmy O'Toole, who's trapped in that well.

Bart: [snickers] Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Marge: Bart, what's wrong with you?!

Homer: Yeah, that Timmy is a real hero!

Lisa: How do you mean, Dad?

Homer: Well, he fell down a well and....can't get out.

Lisa: How does that make him a hero?

Homer: Well, it's more than you did!

Kent Brockman: [from the TV] And finally, [pan to the TV] Channel 6's own Krusty the Clown has gathered members of the entertainment community, who normally steer clear of fashionable causes, for a video called "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well".

Krusty: I wanted to do something to help that boy, so I called my good friend, Sting. He said, "Krusty, when do you need me?". I said, "Thursday". He said, "I'm busy Thursday". I said, "What about Friday?". He said, "Friday's worse than Thursday." Then he said, "How about Saturday?". I said "Fine!". True story.

Sting: Yeah, I used to over for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me as I recall.

Krusty: He-he-he-he! Woah-oh! Sting!

Sting: But this isn't about show business, this is about some kid down a hole or something, and we've all gotta do what we can. [music starts] ♩ There's a hole in my heart....who's deep as the well for that poor little boy, who's stuck halfway to hell. ♩

Sideshow Mel: ♩ Though we can't get him out we'll do the next best thing. ♩

Rainier Wolfcastle: ♩ Go on TV and sing, sing, sing! ♩

[The recording studio has also Marvin Monroe, Lance Murdock, the Capital City Goofball, Troy McClure, Christian, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Mayor Quimby and Princess Kashmir singing along.]

People: ♩ And we're sendin' our love down the well! ♩

Krusty: ♩ All the way down! ♩

People: ♩ We're sending our love down the....down the well! ♩

Krusty: ♩ Down that well! ♩

Kent Brockman: Krusty, what are your plans for the royalties?

Krusty: Well, we gotta pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know those limos out back...they are free. But they were left to be thrown down a well.

[A close-up of a T-shirt saying "I Survived Timmy O'Toole Getting Trapped In a Well". Amusement park sounds can be heard. Comic Book Guy walks off-screen with the shirt. People are in line for seeing something. Police are gaurding the amusement, and a sign is seen saying "Admission $2.00". A man holding a tray full of "Timmy O'Toole Baby Teeth" walks on-screen.]

Man 3: 50 Timmy O'Toole Baby Teeth! Six dollars a bag!

[The man walks off-screen. A man wearing a white jumper and a holding a torch walks on-screen.]

Man 4: Get in here! Everyone at the back.

Children: Wee! He-he-he-he! Wee!

[The camera pans up into a tree, and a birds-eye view of the amusements around the well are seen. Pan to the Simpsons house.]

Voice from TV: The Itchy and Scratchy Show!

[The camera pans to the Simpsons TV. "Itchy and Scratchy in "Cat Splat Fever"" appears on the screen. Itchy is in his bedroom. He approaches his bed, where a note is on his pillow. He picks it up and it reads "Goodbye Cruel World - Itchy". Scratchy looks out the window and sees Itchy fall into a well.]

Scratchy: Ah!

[Scratchy runs off-screen. Outside, Scratchy jumps into the well. Scratchy passes Itchy on a small lodge.]

Scratchy: Aaaaaaaaahhhh!

[An alligator is at the bottom of the well in a pool of water. Scratchy falls into its mouth, and sucks him up. The water turns red, and Scratchy's ghost rises up from the water, playing a harp. Itchy shoots Scratchy's ghost's head with a handgun. Scratchy's ghost falls down the well. Pan to the Simpsons living room. Lisa is sitting on the floor watching the TV.]

Lisa: [laughs]

[The camera pans back to the TV. The words say "Dedicated to Timmy O'Toole". Pan back to living room.]

Lisa: Aw!

Santa's Little Helper: [barks]

[Santa's Little Helper runs into the room. He drops Bart's microphone.]

Bart: Woah! Give me my microphone! Drop it, boy!

[Bart runs out the room with Santa's Little Helper. Lisa looks at the TV.]

Newscaster: [from TV]: This is a special report from Channel 6 News.

[Words on the TV say "We'll Be Right Back". It switches to a the Channel 6 News Studio. Kent Brockman is holding papers. Marvin Monroe sits on a chair.]

Kent Brockman: Disturbing news from the old town well, where young Timmy O'Toole has taken a turn for the worse.

[The scene switches to a live news from the well and the caption reads "Live at the Well". Otto and three people are standing at the well. Growling is heard from the well. It switches to the news studio.]

Marvin Monroe: Well, it's very simple, the child is reverting to a theral or wolf-life state.

[The scene changes to an artist's conception of Timmy, who looks like a wolf. The camera zooms out.]

Marvin Monroe: Here's an artist's conception.

[The camera changes to the living room, where a shadow of Bart can be seen and growling heard.]

Lisa: Bart!

[Bart is fighting with Santa's Little Helper with the microphone. He gets the microphone off him.]

Bart: [coughs] I was trying to get gnaw foot off, but...

[The camera pans to Lisa, who is watching Bart. She scowls at him.]

Bart: I couldn't get through my sock. Goodnight everybody. [snores].

Lisa: Bart Simpson! The thought of a boy trapped in a well brought out the kindness and love of the entire community. When they find out you've been fooling them, they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors.

Bart: Oh, yeah?! And how are they gonna find out?

Lisa: The police'll catch you sooner or later.

Bart: The pol-ice! [sniggers] They wouldn't catch a cold.

Lisa: Maybe not, but I bet you're stupid enough to leave a "Property of Bart Simpson" on that radio.

[The camera pans across town and into the well, where the radio has a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on. The camera pans to the living room.]

Bart: D'oh!

[Pan to the well, where Eddie and Lou are reading a story.]

Lou: And Cinderella had the most beautiful gown at the ball with eight saturn petticoats, each more delicate than the last. I think he's asleep.

Eddie: Want to get a cup of coffee?

Lou: OK.

[They snap the "Police" line.]

Lou: Great little guy.

[Eddie and Lou walk off-screen. Bart appears behind a concession stand. He throws a rope around a tree stump. He puts his torch on and walks down the side of the well. He grunts, and bats fly around him.]

Bart: Aaah!

[Back on the ground, Eddie and Lou, holding cups of coffee, notice that there is a rope.]

Eddie: Hey, I almost tripped over this thing.

[Eddie kicks the rope into the well.]

Bart: [screams]

[Bart falls down the well. THUD! Bart's leg gets trapped under a rock.]

Bart: Uh! Uh! Oh! What did I do to deserve this. [echoes] Help! Help! Help! I fell down the well!

[Eddie and Lou shine their torches down the well.]

Eddie: Tell us something you don't know. He-he-he-he!

Lou: He-he-he-he!

Bart: [echoes] No, it's Bart Simpson!

Lou: What are YOU doing down there?!

Bart: [echoes] Look, I'll level with ya! There is no Timmy O'Toole. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody.

[Eddie and Lou look at each other.]

Lou: Well, it sure fooled us, kid!

Eddie: Yeah, I got an idea for a prank. Let's go home and go to sleep. [laughs]

Lou: [laughs] Good one Eddie. [laughs]

[Eddie and Lou walk off-screen.]

Bart: He-he! Great joke, guys! He-he! Guys?!

[At the Simpsons house, Eddie and Lou are talking to the Simpsons.]

Lou: So I'm afraid your son is trapped down the well.

Homer: You must think we're the worst parents in the world.

Eddie: Yeah, that's pretty much the deal back down at the station.

[At the well, Homer puts some of Bart's things on the ground.]

Homer: Don't worry son, just because you're trapped in a whole, it doesn't mean you can't live a richedfull life. I brought you your Krusty doll.

[Homer puts the doll in the well.]

Bart: Knock it off you bald boob!

Homer: Hey, don't make me come down there!

Bart: Like I see your face.

Homer: Why you little....!

Mayor Quimby: Put a man on him.

[Eddie and Lou approach Homer and arrest him.]

Elderly Lady #1: I liked that other little boy. So polite.

Marge: What are you doing to save my baby boy?

Chief Wiggum: Well, m'am we've located a piece of machinery in Treefork, Louisiana. That could pop him out, lickety split.

Marge: Well, why don't you get it?!

Chief Wiggum: I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Mrs. Simpson. Your boy picked a bad time to go fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of the fishcal year, no problemo.

Marge: You're telling me that the city won't pay to get a boy out of a well!

Chief Wiggum: Would have for Timmy. They loved that little guy. Your son, well he kinda played us for a bunch of saps.

Marge: [angry] Mmmmmmmm.....

[The scene switches to the Channel 6 News Studio.]

Kent Brockman: So it seems we've all been the victims of a cruel hoax, perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger pointing and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

[Homer and Marge pop up on the screen.]

Homer: It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident.

Marge: Homer!

Homer: Urm...could you edit that last part?

Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast to coast.

Homer: D'oh!

[Pan to the Springfield Elementary School playground. Some girls are skipping with a rope.]

Girls: One plus one plus three is five, little Bart Simpson's buried alive. He's so mean, he's so sweet, now the rats have Bart to eat.

[Lisa walks on-screen and listens in on the girls.]

Lisa: Hey, stop that!

Janey: Oh, sorry Lisa.

[Lisa walks off-screen.]

Janey: How many days till Bart croaks? 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Pan to a TV studio. A man is standing by a screen.]

TV Presenter 2: And our new Number 1 hit is "I Do Believe We're Naked" by Funky See, Funky Do replaces "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" which plunges all the way down to number 97.

[Pan to the outside of the Town Hall.]

Mayor Quimby: And this is our fault, for the rescue of the Simpson lad. I have taken a lot of heat. So, I am flip-flopping! I say "Let him stay down there!"

[The crowd cheers. Pan to a computer screen which reads "Town to Well Boy: "No More Free Food" by Dave Shutton. The camera zooms out to reveal Dave is typing on his computer in his car. The phone rings.]

Dave: Yeah, Shutton! Now that's a story!

[He puts the phone down and drives off-screen. The car screeches. A newspaper with the headline reading "Squirrel Resembling Abraham Lincoln Found" swirls onto the screen. Pan to well. The wind blows, and Homer and Marge approach the well. They both look into the well.]

Marge: Bart, honey, I made you an extra warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well.

Bart: Mom, it's too big!

Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it!

Marge: [off-screen] Homer!

Bart: You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff over the years, I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do. Smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a sware word in my hair. [sniffing]

[Bart starts crying. He wipes the tears away with his jumper. Pan to the top of the well. Sobbing and groaning can be heard.]

Homer: It's all I can stance against, stance no more!

[Homer picks up a shovel.]

Homer: I'm gonna get you outta there myself!

[Homer runs off-screen. Homer starts digging a hole. Marge walks off-screen and walks on again with a wheelbarrow. Willie watches Homer dig.]

Willie: Oh why didn't I think of that?!

[Willie walks off-screen, throwing his flannel to the ground. He enters his shed and picks up a shovel.]

Willie: Agnes, we've got work to do!

[Willie tears off his shirt. Pan to Homer and Marge. Homer continues digging. Marge walks off-screen with a wheelbarrow, and Willie enters the screen and joins Homer with the digging. They both grunt. Then, a person with a pick-axe comes along from his car and joins in. Pan to Springfield News studio. Kent is addressing the news.]

Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman with a special bulletin. The Lincoln Squirrel has been assassinated.

[A picture of the outline of a squirrel is shown on the screen, with the outline of a nut next to it, and a circle showing where it was shot.]

Kent Brockman: We'll stay with this story all night :[bangs fist on table] if we have to.

[Pan to living room, where Lisa and Maggie are on the couch. Several people run by with shovels, pickaxes, etc. They both turn and look. Pan to outside of house. Several people run by. The door of the Simpsons house opens. Lisa comes out. Jasper stops.]

Lisa: What's going on?

Jasper: It's an ol' fashioned hole digging!

[Maggie comes from behind Lisa.]

Jasper: By gore, it's been a while!

[Pan to well. Early morning, the sky has turned orange. Herman is directing a bucket load of dirt coming up with his left arm. The camera pans down. Clanging of a hammer is heard throughout. We see a dinosaur skeleton. Carl is holding onto a ladder going downwards. We see a treasure chest with a skull above it. Then, a UFO with an alien skeleton inside it. Then, we see a little room, where Skinner, Moe, Willie and Apu are standing. They are all holding tools to dig; Apu is just standing there. Pan to Krusty, who is hammering a nail into a boulder. GRUNT! GRUNT! Pan sideways towards Apu, who is holding a light up to a cage with a dead yellow canary inside.]

Apu: [GASP!] The canary!

[Clanging stops. The others turn around.]

Willie: GAS! Out of the hole!

[Everyone runs out. They all scream and yell. Pan to table. The sky is blue. Dr. Hibbert is examing the dead canary with his stethoscope. The group, and Moe is standing around him]

Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.

Willie: Back in the hole!

[The five run off-screen. Pan to hole, where Marge and Homer are watching Sting, topless, digging out of a hole in the wall. There is a wheelbarrow next to him. He gasps(...) for breath.]

Marge: Sting, you look tired, maybe you should take a rest!

[Sting stops digging and leans on his shovel.]

Sting: Not when one of my fans needs me.

[Stings continues to dig.]

Marge: Actually, I don't know if we've ever heard Bart play one of your albums.

Homer: Sssh...Marge! He's a good digger!

[Sting bangs the end of his shovel on a hole. Pan to well, where Bart is covering his face from the digging, in which Sting has made a breakthrough to the well. Bart is surrounded with toys. Sting makes another hole, and puts his face round towards Bart. Sting makes another hole by pushing away stone.]

Bart: Sting!

[Homer pushes Sting away to see Bart. Marge joins Homer as well.]

Bart: Mom, Dad!

[Homer tries to lift the big stone from Bart's feet.]

Marge: Oh, Bart, I've missed you so much!

[Marge grabs Bart and hugs him, while Homer manages to lift the stone and put it beside him. Marge kisses Bart on the head a few times, then hugs him again.]

Bart: Man, I was so scared.

Homer: Don't worry, son, they're going to make sure no-one ever falls down this well again.

[Pan to top of well. Early evening. The sky is turning orange. Willie pushes a "Caution Well" sign into the ground with his shovel. Piles of dirt can be seen. Pan over the field. Willie puts his shovel over his shoulder.]

Willie: There, that should do it!

[Willie walks off-screen. Music plays. Credits roll.]